I am the Very Model of a Professor Shakespearean

"I am the Very Model of a Professor Shakespearean." Parody of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" by W. S. Gilbert, music by A. S. Sullivan. Perf. kj. For a thoroughly and delightfully annotated version of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General," see "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General," The Pirates of Penzance, by William Schwenck Gilbert, Asimov's Annotated Gilbert & Sullivan, New York (Doubleday 1988), 227-34.

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You, my readers, often say, "Oh, I wish I could take your Shakespeare and Film course!" After assuring them that I wish, too, that they could be in my course, I wonder if they have any idea what they would be letting themselves in for if they actually did sign up for the course.

 

The only things I can think to do are (1) Share the twenty-five page syllabus with them, (2) Send them back to the first Bardfilm post and ask them to read forward from there, or (3) Give them a general idea of what the first day of class would be like.

 

You can choose your own path, of course; however, while you're here, why not see what the first day of one of my Shakespeare courses might be like (the lyrics are printed in the video below, but they're also in the text below that): 

I am the Very Model of a Professor Shakespearean.

I am the very model of a Professor Shakespearean.
I know that Hamlet’s Danish and that Twelfth Night is Illyrian.
I know the plays are comedy or tragedy or history
And that the English Drama has evolved from plays of Mystery.
I can tell trochaic trimeter from iambic pentameter
And know that Fortinbras is a Norwegian or a Laplander . . .
I see that Romeo for Juliet had what is true desire . . .

[Worried about the rhyme . . .]

And I can quote the speech that has the line “O, for a muse of fire.”

[Line repeats with chorus.]

When reading King Lear, I suggest that Gloucester really ought to see;
And I’ll enliven dinner dates with a “to be or not to be.”
And if you mention pirates, I say “Hamlet’s trip buccaneerian”—
I am the very model of a Professor Shakespearean.


I’m pretty sure I know to whom Shakespeare left all his underwear;
I also know which play has someone exit pursued by a bear.
Both Much Ado and Henry Five—I’ve seen the films Branagh-ger-y—
And I can yell, “Is this a dagger that I see in front of me?”
I know that all the world’s a stage and that each one must play a part.
I know Bernardo’s cold and that Fransisco’s really sick at heart.
You know I can decipher all the speeches of Polonius . . .

[Worried about the rhyme . . .]

And nearly all he says is merely dictum ab bolonius.

[Line repeats with chorus.] 

I can say which character would trade a kingdom for a measly horse,
And if you call for sonnets, I can quote you every one, of course.
And I remember Hamlet’s line “a satyr to Hyperion”:
I am the very model of a Professor Shakespearean.


In fact, when I can tell all seven bloody Henry plays apart
And even sit though that play with the fat guy in the laundry cart—
When I can play the Scottish play with bagpipes or accordian
And have the sharpest answers for the most confirmed Oxfordian—
When I can tell if it’s a fretful porpentine or platypus,
And pronounce honorificabilitudinitatibus—
In short, when I know every bit of bawdy joke and knavery,

[Certain about the rhyme . . .]

You’ll say a better Professor Shakespearean could naaver be.

[Line repeats with chorus.]

For my knowledge of Will Shakespeare, though I’ve seen an awful lot of films,
Is limited because, quite frankly, I can become overwilmed.
But I know Hamlet’s Danish and that Twelfth Night is Illyrian:
I am the very model of a Professor Shakespearean.

And there you have it. Now you know what it's like to be in one of my Shakespeare classes!

And I'd just like to add, as a brief codicil, these points:

Yes, I know there's another genre called "Romance"—and (conceivably) even another called "Problem Play"—but I only had so many syllables to work with.

Yes, but you try coming up with a rhyme for "film."  At least mine has a bit of a pun on Shakespeare's name.

Yes, the "nearly" / "merely" internal rhyme is quite nice!  Thank you.

And if you didn't get enough here, why don't you write your own verse and post it in the comments?  Or head over to Good Tickle Brain and sing her "Modern Major Shakespeare Fan" number? Its rhythm, in particular, is commendable.

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If you enjoyed this—or, frankly, whether you enjoyed this or not—you can also try "Shakespearean Rhapsody," "Danish Paradise," "Dunsinane Prison Blues," or "Let's Do It (Let's Fall in Love . . . with Shakespeare)." Or steer toward this musical version of King Lear's madness. Alternately, investigate the big number from the musical Pyramus. If you're desperate for something to do with Richard III, you could try the (admittedly not very well performed) "I'll Make a King out of Me."  Or you could listen to this musical PSA that warns people to stay clear of the Great River Shakespeare Festival.

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[Note: Should the embedded video above go sour, here's a blog-native version.]

 

  

Book Note Book Note: Tigers, Not Daughters

Mabry, Samantha. Tigers, Not Daughters. New York: Algonquin, 2020.

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This is going to be a quick one because I'm not convinced this book has much to do with Shakespeare.

I found it on a list of modern novels that retell the works of Shakespeare—in the King Lear section. And the novel is about a father who is not very good at being a father and three daughters—well, four, but one dies early on and comes back as a ghost to haunt the others.

But apart from that general framework, I'm not finding much that reflects the play. Are there any readers out there who know this book and who can point me in the right direction?

Oh, there's also one direct reference to King Lear (other than the title, that is). Here it is. One of the daughters returns the school-owned copy of King Lear, saying that she doesn't need it since she is living it every day.

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Tangential Shakespeare in Back-to-School FoxTrot

Amend, Bill. "Pencil Test." Some Clever Title: A FoxTrot Collection Blah Blah Blah. Kansas City: Andrews McMeel, 2016. 73. 

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It's always nice when Shakespeare and math come together in harmony—even if it's only tangentially. And it's even better when it's in a FoxTrot comic.

I try to keep my eye on the Shakespeare in FoxTrot (search the blog for other moments of Bard / Amend connections), but I missed this one, perhaps because it's only tangential. However, knowing the Shakespeare part of the math question will get you a long way toward solving it (though you might, as I did, have to Google the atomic number of boron to be certain (though, if you look and read carefully, the comic itself cleverly answers the question in its own context).

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“Only the Good Drown Young”: A Parody of Billy Joel's “Only the Good Die Young.”

kj, jk. “Only the Good Drown Young”: A Parody of Billy Joel's “Only the Good Die Young.” N.c: n.p., 2021.

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Well, my voice just isn't up to recording this one, but I did want to share it with you. Grab your favorite karaoke version of "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel (here's one) and impress all your Shakespearean friends—particularly those who are into Hamlet.

Come out, Ophelia, don’t make me wait.

You Danish-y girls start much too late.

Oh, insanity isn’t a character trait

From walking i’ th’ sun . . .

Well, they gave you a prayer book and asked you to pray;

They hid in the arras to watch what you’d say—

Ah, but they never thought that your brain would decay

When Hamlet said, “Be a nun.”

Only the good drown young—that’s what I said.

Only the good drown young.

Only the good drown young.

You might know that I run with Horatio, and

He ain’t strange things apt to understand,

But at least he saw the ghost firsthand,

Ah, and he told me what it done.

So, come on, Ophelia, shall I lie in your lap?

Let’s watch the play: Don’t you know? It’s a trap!

There’s one more thing that I ought to recap:

Ophelia, you’re just no fun.

Darling, only the good drown young.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I tell you, only the good drown young.

Only the good drown young.

You got a big bouquet at your daddy’s funeral oration.

You got some rosemary . . .

Mmmmm, and a few pansies.

But, Ophelia, they didn’t give you quite enough good flotation.

You said, “Any more is sin”

When you were saying your orisons.

O, o, o . . .

They say there’s a purgatory for dad.

They also say that I may go mad.

I’d rather be melancholy than just plain sad—

Must no more be done?

You know that only the good drown young.

O, baby, babe.

I tell you, only the good drown young.

Only the good drown young.

You say my mother said the willow by the brook was an invitation.

Aww, she never saw you splash.

But was the deed bloody and rash?

O, o, o . . .

Come out, come out, come out,

Ophelia, don’t make me wait.

You Danish-y girls start much too late.

Insanity isn’t a character trait

From walking i’ th’ sun . . .

You know that only the good drown young.

Tell you, baby . . .

Only the good drown young.

Only the good drown young.

Only the good . . .

Only the good drown young. [Splash.] 

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Book Note: The Orchard Book of Shakespeare Stories

Matthews, Adrew. The Orchard Book of Shakespeare Stories. Illus. Angela Barrett. London: Orchard Books, 2001.

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We've dealt with the nifty Shakespeare Stories (for which, q.v.), but I've neglected to let you know that the same retellings of Shakespeare are illustrated in an entirely different manner for a single-volume experience.

If you like your illustrations in color and less like cartoons—or if you just like to have all your Shakespeare stories in a single volume, this is the one for you. Here's a bit of Hamlet to encourage you (since I gave you some of the other illustrator's version of that play):

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Shakespeare in Get Fuzzy

Conley, Darby. Dumbheart: A Get Fuzzy Collection. Kansas City: Andrews McMell, 2012.

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We've covered a number of Shakespeare-related comics here at Bardfilm, but we have never ventured into the Get Fuzzy world.

It's a bit of a shame because there's some pretty good material there.

For example, the comic introduced a character called "Shakespug"—a dog (a pug, if it isn't clear) who spends a lot of his time quoting Shakespeare. 

Here are some samples with a bit of commentary from time to time.

Bucky is the main cat character in the comic, so it's clear that he would be upset by the introduction of any new character.

That one provides a nice variant! I'm glad that Shakespug is caught out in trying to pass off quotes from Every Man in His Humour as Shakespeare. And I'm even more amazed that Bucky (who is generally presented as not having the keenest of intellects) calls him out on it, recognizing a Ben Jonson quotation trying to pass itself off as a Shakespeare quote. 

There, again, we have a nice, more obscure direction. The quote (slightly misquoted) is from Two Gentlemen of Verona. It's not the place everyone would go.

Alas, I suppose even the greatest Shakespeare scholars can't always call to mind the most relevant quotations from Shakespeare at the exact moment when they would do the most good. I know it's happened to me—but let's be silent and not speak of that. 

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A Little Shakespeare in Flowers for Algernon

Keyes, Daniel. Flowers for Algernon. New York: Harcourt Brace, 1897.

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The short story "Flowers for Algernon" was a memorable part of the general literature curriculum when I was growing up. Only recently did I learn that there was a novel telling the same story.

The story is about a mouse (Algernon) who has undergone an operation and has gained "super-genius" status. The same operation has been performed on our protagonist, whose intelligence had been below average.

Before you risk any spoilers, you can pause to read the short story.

Back?  All right.

The story, then, is about how the mouse starts to lose his intelligence just when the man is reaching the peak of his and what the man thinks when he realizes his intelligence is ephemeral. 

Somewhere in the middle of the novel, Charlie Gordon (the man) is exposed to college life, and he's fascinated by all the things people have to say. The section below shows the direction the conversation goes when Shakespeare comes into the picture:

The rest of the book is silent on what Charlie thinks about the argument, but it's interesting to note that this is one issue that fuels his intellectual hunger.

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Book Note: Romeo and / or Juliet

North, Ryan. Romeo and / or Juliet. New York: Riverhead Books, 2016.

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If you want one more layer of "chose your own," you can start by deciding whether you want Ryan North's To Be or Not To Be (for which, q.v.) or Romeo and / or Juliet. Either way, you'll be well served—though the latter is perhaps a bit more inviting in terms of graphics.

Like the Hamlet book, this one gives you the chance to choose roles—you can play / read as Romeo or as Juliet.

Here's a bit of the way that's established:

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Book Note: To Be or Not To Be

North, Ryan. To Be or Not To Be. N.p.: Breadpig, 2013.

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I could have sworn I wrote about this book—one that started life as a Kickstarter project—much nearer its publication date, but my memory seems to be faulty.

Here we go, then!

This is a fascinating "Choose Your Own Adventure" version of Hamlet—with a ton of fascinating twists. To start, you choose whether you'd like to read it / play it as Hamlet, as Ophelia, or as Hamlet's Father's Ghost. From there, there must be hundreds of ways to go.

I find it to be a great book to noodle around on while waiting for appointments, commuting, or relaxing. You're never committing to reading all 700+ pages—just to following an interesting path.

Let me show you one possible path, starting with choosing Hamlet.

Note that it doesn't stop even after that last choice! Inventively, the storyline continues.

Grab a copy, relax, and make your way through Hamlet.

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Knowledge of Shakespeare Helps Solve Mysteries

Marsh, Ngaio. Surfeit of Lampreys [a.k.a. Death of a Peer]. New York: Felony & Mayhem Press, 2013.

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If you needed another reason to brush up your Shakespeare (not that you do—Cole Porter helped us realize that), remember that a good knowledge of Shakespeare can help you solve the mysteries typical to detective fiction.

Here's an example from a Ngaio Marsh novel that I recently finished.

First, we get the play's relevance established:

Then we get the secondary character whose casual comments lead the detective to the solution:

I won't give you the solution, of course, but, if you're well up on your Macbeth, you know it already. And if you aren't, now's the time.

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The Complete Shakespeare: Where it All Began for Bardfilm

Shakespeare, William. The Complete Plays and Poems of William Shakespeare. Ed. William Allan Neilson and Charles Jarvis Hill. Cambridge: Houghton Mifflin Company (The Riverside Press Cambridge), 1942.

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The New Cambridge Edition of the Complete Works of William Shakespeare was the place where it all began.

I don't mean that this was my first experience with Shakespeare. That has been lost to the ages (though I make a stab at some of the earliest encounters here).

I mean that this was the first time I fell head-over-heels, leave-everything-behind, I've-found-it-at-last, I'll-never-forget-you in love with the complete works of Shakespeare.

Thinking reading Shakespeare might prove beneficial to me, I bought the volume for ten dollars at a used bookstore in St. Louis. And I read it, literally, from cover to cover.

Indeed, that was probably the last time I read straight through the sonnets (pictured below).

I found various and sundry people who were willing to read it through out loud with me, and that was a revolution. I distinctly remember my first genuine, conscious encounter with III.i of Hamlet (pictured below):

What marvels were there!

And I read through every play.  Indeed, that was probably the last time I read straight through Henry VIII.

You may note the absence of any annotations on the images above. Yes, that goes for the whole text. At that point, I considered the physical text somewhat sacrosanct, so I did not underline anything or write any question marks or exclamation points or questions or arguments in the margins or on the footnotes. Most of my other editions of Shakespeare plays—complete or individual—have all of that and more. But this was where it all started, and I'm glad it's still there, unmarked, though faded and fraying. I'm still particularly fond of this volume, and I think I shall always be so.

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(and to support Bardfilm as you do so).